blog entry #1 - august 24th 2024

welcome to my website!

im very glad i started this little project! even tho it was frustrating at times (centering vertically im looking at u.....) i had a lot of fun :3 it gave me a reason to open photoshop after yearsss and to do some coding as well which i also missed..

one thing im just now realising is that most places where i can tell ppl to go check out my website are mobile apps and this website is NOT meant to be viewed on mobile lol...

WHY IS IT UPSIDE DOWN OMG i gotta work on a mobile version asap

so this site might not reach a lot of ppl for now lol but i dont mind keeping it as some sort of personal blog for the time being. i think i did a good job... it looks really pretty and im proud of it so that's what matters :P

i wanted to make a blog section bc i love writing pages and pages of text about things i like... and i thought it would be fun to write down my thoughts here instead of infodumping in my bf's dms at 3 am as usual its a good opportunity to get better at writing in english too :D

next entry i'd like to write about electronic music and what it means to me, as well as what's it like to be an electronic music enjoyer in a place w an almost non existent underground scene... theres also specific genres and artists i want to write about, as well as videogames and other things. but anyway!! i hope these reach the right people. and if they dont thats okay...

and finally i wanted to add some sites here that were useful in the making of this website, as well as give special thanks to the anne hero discord ppl bc i wouldn't know about neocities if it wasnt for them... especially thanks to malice who is always encouraging everyone to start their own website and has helped me out when i was just starting. also their site is so cool n they do an amazing job at archiving everything evanescence !

javascriptkit.com - cool free javascripts
pixelsafari.neocities.org - cute gifs!!
blinkies.cafe - customizable blinkies!!
tholman.com/cursor-effects/ - cursor trail effects

byebye!! see u soon

blog entry #2 - october 7th 2024

computers have been interesting to me ever since i can remember.

we didnt have a computer at home when i was born (and having one wasnt really the norm in the early-mid 2000s in south america) but i remember being absolutely amazed by whichever ones i came across. i have faint memories of a colorful pc with games for kids we had at my kindergarten that i always ran to whenever they let us pick an activity to do, and i remember trying to use my grandparents' pc before i could even read what the popup signs on the screen were saying. my guess at that time was that they probably said that the computer would explode in 3 seconds so i ran away whenever i saw one :P it's hard to put into words how interacting with computers made me feel as a kid, especially with nostalgia glasses, but i think i was amazed, very curious and at the same time a little bit scared (maybe thats still how i feel in a way LOL) of these magic screens that i could not comprehend, predict or explain by any logic.

whatever my reason for being so obsessed w them was, wherever there was a computer, i would spend as much time as i could using it. whichever house i visited, i asked if they had a computer. i even feel bad remembering this because whenever i went to visit my grandparents, it was more like i was visiting the computer LOL i would literally spend all day in the small computer room doing god knows what!! probably using ms paint? or clicking on settings and messing everything up? or waiting 5 minutes for the images on the websites to load so i could play my silly little games? idk i was just happy to be able to use a computer!! 

at some point we got a family pc! i don't remember much about it other than downloading photoshop on it at the age of 10 to make selena gomez edits LOL and i remember my parents not letting me use it for more than half an hour everyday for obvious reasons (it was about time honestly...) also they let me create a facebook account when i was 7 iirc? and i dont know what they were thinking Lol. 

when i was in elementary school i got MY very first computer (for free! shoutout to public education and the government at that time) and it was, for me, a dream come true!! that silly little laptop with 2 gb of ram made me the happiest girl in 5th grade lmao. you mean this is MINE? for ME only? i downloaded tons of music, pictures of whatever i was a fan of at that time, and most importantly, i customized the SHIT out of it which was something my parents asked me Please not to do with the family computer. custom icons, custom cursor, custom font, and the pink-est Windows 7 theme i could find on deviantart. wish i had pictures but here are some old windows 7 themes i found that have the exact same vibe LOL. 

(i still have this laptop lying around my house. its not turning on but i want to try and fix it whenever i have some free time... i would really love to see my old desktop one more time lol)

so now i have a desktop (still not mine only lol hopefully when i move out at some point) and a purple 7 year old laptop that i use almost every day, mostly for studying or coding this website :) i get to make music thanks to my computer, i get to make art, i get to talk to people thousands of kilometers away from me that i never would've talked to otherwise. 

but that's not really the main reason why i like computers. after so many years of using them, customizing them, trying to fix them after downloading executables from the wrong sites, formatting them, installing all sorts of programs, games, drivers and stumbling upon the most random problems... i always feel that no computer problem is truly unsolvable. i'm sure there are exceptions (like when my parents forgot to do a backup of our family pictures before formatting the pc... though that arguably had a solution as well) but it's always kinda fun for me to fix pc problems because i feel like whatever problem i encounter, there is a solution, and i just have to find it somehow. and i think that's really cool... its almost like a puzzle where i have to piece together the information i got from 3 reddit threads, 2 quora questions and some obscure abandoned forum lol.

that last part is actually another reason why i like computers. it's the people! the people that made them, the people that understand them and explain them to me, the people who are out there fixing 2005 desktop pcs just for fun or because they remind them of their childhoods, the people that develop apps for a very specific purpose that probably only them and other 20 ppl will need but they post them on github anyway... i admire their work a lot!!

and then there's moments where this feeling of being able to solve anything is sometimes killed by the occasional unpredictability of computers, like getting a random blue screen out of nowhere or things just not working like they're supposed to when you're doing everything right. it makes me feel like no matter how experienced i am and no matter how much i know, i'll always be a little bit scared of computers. there will always be something about them that i cannot explain by any logic. and though frustrating at times, it's also probably the thing i like the most :3

blog entry #3 - november 11th 2024

i dont usually talk too much on the internet about things i struggle with because it makes me feel a bit weird and pathetic LOL but i've had a lot on my mind lately and since this is my space after all i wanted to write down some thoughts and maybe reach some sort of conclusion? idk... no heavy topics or anything but it might be quite boring you've been warned lol

i've met a bunch of new people recently bc of different circumstances like college, friends introducing their new friends, or just online... and i've never been the best at socializing so it's not surprising that it's hard for me to be myself around someone right after meeting them. that's not necessarily a bad thing though. except when you kind of know the reasons behind it, and they aren't good lol

i don't know when or why i've started thinking this way but it's really hard for me to feel like when i meet someone, it's not only me meeting them, but them meeting me as well. it's like the reverse of main character syndrome where i feel like everyone else is the protagonist and i'm just there begging for them to let me be a part of their lives so i can last another season lmao. in some places i go to (especially events with cool people) i feel like the lamest, most akward person in the room. i don't know how to change this idea i have ingrained in my brain that everyone else is "better" than me. and the thing i hate the most is how i unconsciously obsess over it and depend so much on what i think other people think of me. i know i do because i'll get an awful feeling when i talk to someone and feel like i wasn't funny enough, or that i didn't manage to be on the level i think they are (almost as if i failed a test lol). i guess that now that i think about it doesn't have much to do with the person themselves being better than me or not, but more with an imaginary, almost impossible to reach standard that i set for myself and that i constantly fail to reach.

there's also the fact that talking to new people will most likely make me nervous even if there is literally no reason? sometimes the aspect of thinking that they're cooler and better than me isn't even there bc i'm just talking to a random person i've never seen before, but i still get really nervous, forget what i was going to say or just stutter a lot, which makes me wish very hard that i could teleport myself to the other side of the world really quick LOL god i really dont understand myself... what am i even afraid of... i want to talk to people why am i just struggling for no reason...

a side thing that i also think about sometimes is that being friends with only guys for a few years now might have fucked up my ability to be friends with girls LMAO and i know it sounds stupid and pick me and whatever but it's really not my intention i miss having girl friends sometimes... it's especially bad irl because idk how to react to hugs and more "girly" ways of showing affection after so many years of handshakes u know LOL okay this is too pathetic i will stop for now

so uhh maybe the conclusion is that im the Awkwardest person alive and that there might be no hope for me Lol i hope there is though... what if i'm famous one day and someone comes up to me to say hi and i still feel like i have to try really hard to get them to not hate me

i have a really weird relationship with myself that i struggle a lot to understand... im happy that at least i love the things that i make and they make me really proud, and i'm not afraid to say that i think they are worth it. i hope i can say the same about myself one day.